Satisfied? Nope
by Twisted Bloodlust
Summary: Over half a decade of being treated like a piece of glass can be quite grinding. Will Bella get what she really wants for Christmas? A strong and commanding guy... with curly hair and little dimples. ExB EmxB OOC/Lemons/Humor/General Naughtiness
1. Chapter 1 Sex With Edward

**Continued/Reposted with permission from the original author: OverzealousGuineapig. None of the stuff published is my work but it was pulled by the author and I think everyone should be able to read it so I adopted it.**

**Chapter One - Sex with Edward**

**_Bella POV_**

_What is there to say?_

"_You're so hard__!_" _Nope, said it already._

"_Harder_." _Said that and he didn't listen._

"_Faster." _That too came out in the first five minutes perhaps. "_Don't stop!_" _No, I wish he would stop, oh to hell with it._

"OH Edward! That's it... Oh I'm almost there!"

I mentally sighed. Yes_, only five or so more minutes until I can fake yet another orgasm and he'll come thinking I'm satisfied, then I can get on with the day. _

Ok, here we go, '_My Dirty Little Liar._' starring Bella Cullen as lead actress. _All right, tighten muscles, moan..._

"Baby... harder... I'm so close."

Buck around like a chicken on its back, squeeze a few times, bite his shoulder...

"I'm coming... Oh god... Edward!"

_Dig in the nails, squeeze a few times, _there_ he goes, wonderful! Slow the humping now Bella, don't give yourself away._

"Oh my... Edward... amazing... uh, uh, uh."

_All right, enough panting, he knows you don't need air._

"Bella. I love you."

Smile contentedly, kiss, little tongue, and guide him off. Finally!

Bravo Edward, Bravo.

Another perfect fake fuck to add to the tally. What is it now, Renesmee's six, didn't have to fake it for about six months after she was born. So three hundred and sixty five times five plus another half a year at a once a day average. Congratulations Edward, you have been witness to one thousand nine hundred and sixty-six fake orgasms, how do you feel?

I look over at him and smile. _Schmuck. _He smiles back._ That's right darling, you're the best there is, you're the man, you're my hero!_

"I love you, too, sweetie," I smiled and snuggled into his chest. _I just wish you were so sweet_.

Yes ladies and gentlemen of the jury, another love making session with Edward Cullen; gentleman, great father, sweetie...

I understand love and all that, and that you don't want to hurt those you love, but for God's sake, I have to be ripped into pieces and have those pieces burnt just to be completely and physically dead. How badly does he think he can hurt me by finally giving me a decent pounding, in something other than the missionary position for once?

The charges: Two thousand counts of being bad in bed

How does the jury find you?

Guilty as charged, take him away.

"Baby, I have to get up." I pulled the sad face and pushed myself up.

"Why?" he asked, stretching.

"Nessie, she'll be home soon, one of us has to be down there waiting for her." I walked to the door and grabbed some fresh clothes off the hamper then headed into the bathroom.

I turned on the water as hot as it would go and warmed my frozen body under the hot spray before I and try to get myself to come. I had to get a bit worked up so he wouldn't go to push it in and find a dry creek where the river used to be.

Grabbed the shower nozzle and washed out his cum and then attempted the elusive—for me, anyway—orgasm.

_Ahhh, there we go, hello, baby_. I mentally greet my clit when my finger easily finds it in the slick folds. _How is it so hard to find my clitoris_? _And this guy has how many medical degrees? Obviously none in gynaecology._ I smiled at the thought of Edward between a woman's legs and her thinking, "_What is he doing down there_?"

The same thought I have every day.

_All right Bells, focus, this really has to be a quickie, go straight for the big guns. Bent over in the forest—ooh I'm liking this already—with... Pierce, no he's out, too old now that photo in VF ruined it for me, um, George! Good old faithful, no, not working, old put my off. Russell? No. Oh hell Bella, it's you fantasy, go with him. Jacob, in the forest over a log, butt naked and covered in his salty sweat. Nope, that hasn't worked in a year, damn Nessie. All right, you've got five minutes before you have to get out and face another day of frustration._

"Bella?" Edward called from the door; his face snapped into my head and all hope was gone. Now I couldn't even pretend he's a decent fuck; the thought of it sends me dry. I gave up and just got out.

"Yeah, I'm done, honey. Do you want me to leave it running?" I called back as I open the shower door and stepped out.

"Yeah, I can never get it hot enough, how much cold do you put in?" Edward asked as he walked in.

"I don't, I like it as hot as it will go." I smiled, hoping by some miracle that he'd catch on to my hidden meaning.

"Well that explains it." He kissed me on the cheek as I pulled up my pants and then walked into the bedroom holding my shirt._ Yes it does._

"Mom?"

"Coming down in a minute sweetie." I called back and pull my shirt over my head then open the bedroom door and go down the stairs.

"Hey Bells." Jake grinned and I felt my stomach flutter just a tad then one look at Ness sent the fire in and burnt my little ticklers to a crisp.

"Hey Jake." I smiled and hugged him briefly, and then he dropped on the couch and pulled Nessie down on top of him.

"Where's Eddie?" Jake smiled and looked at the stairs.

"He'll be down in a minute." I replied and went into the kitchen.

"Eddie won't ever be coming down because Eddie doesn't live here."

I turned around and there he was, gorgeous and still wet from the shower. I smile, he smiles, Jake gagged and Nessie laughed.

"Hello, princess." Edward kissed Nessie on the forehead and stroked her hair.

"Hey, daddy." Nessie smiled and closed her eyes happily. She reminded me of myself a few years ago, perfectly happy just to have Edward there.

"Jacob..." Edward turned away as he said the name.

"Edward," Jake rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, 'Wanker'. Nessie laughed so I think I heard right.

"So did you two have fun today?" I asked as I joined them in the living room, I saw Edward groan and Jake smile. One of Jake's greatest loves was tormenting Edward with fantasies and memories.

"And that's as far as I got I hope?" Edward looked up and they both grinned secretively. "Yes it is, even though you both tried to come up with something it was too different to be the same incident, nice try. And Jacob, that was disgusting and if I ever find out you did that to her I will hurt you."

Nessie frowned and Jake whispered in her ear then she nodded and smiled. He had gotten very good at hushing his voice so I hardly heard a word even when I was really trying.

"And what if I let him?" Nessie smiled and raised her eyebrows.

"Darling, it's too degrading for words, don't." Edward warned.

"Ok, daddy. I promise I'll try not to do that." Nessie rolled her eyes and wrinkled her nose, her 'tell' for lying. "Jake and I are gonna go to a movie tonight if that's okay with you guys."

I mentally groaned. _A full night of Edward wanting to try and 'have fun' with me, urg._

"Ness, don't you think you should have an early night tonight? You've been out all this week with Jake or the pack." I hoped she would decide to stay at home tonight; Edward is less likely to instigate sex if she's in the house.

"Aww come on, please. It's not like you and daddy want me around all night." Nessie pouted and I knew Edward would give in to her.

"Yeah, okay, honey." Edward smiled and kissed Nessie's head again.

"Thank you dad," She smiled. "Don't worry mom, we can spend some time together later," Nessie smiled and hopped up. "Come on Jake. I'm just gonna get changed then we can go."

I felt the need to scream out, "_No, please stay._" But I knew I never would. I sigh quietly. _Another night of sex with Edward, marvellous._

* * *

_**Review please **_


	2. Chapter 2 Tastes Like Oil

Chapter Two - Tastes Like Oil

"Bella."

I got violently knocked out of my day dream and back to reality. _Oh god, here we go._ I turned around quickly and smiled at Edward.

"Yeah." I tried to put some interest into my voice, and actually sound like I give a crap.

"What would you like to do tonight?" He smiled and took my hand, pulling me up to his chest with ease.

"Well I'm kind of thirsty, would you mind if I went and hunted?" I rubbed my hands over his shoulders and up behind his neck to tangle them tightly in the thick hair.

"No, of course not, would you like me to come with you?" Edward's smooth voice whispered, suggesting we take it outdoors.

"If you're thirsty then of course." I hoped he'd take that as, "Don't unless you need to." But of course he didn't.

"Excellent, I'll just get some more appropriate hunting clothes," he flitted off to the bedroom.

_Great, my forest fantasy tainted by yet another encounter with Edward_. I pulled my hair back into a pony tail and waited.

A few moments later he reappeared and took my hand as we left the cottage.

"Are we looking for something in particular today, my love?"

_Well a decent fuck wouldn't go astray_. I thought before smiling and shaking my head. "Nope, just thirsty in general." I answered as we ran into the forest.

Twenty minutes and a dead grizzly later, Edward and I sat quietly in our meadow staring up at the sky. It was only a matter of time._ Perhaps if I start things off with a bang..._

I rolled up onto my knees then lunged forward and tackled Edward into the grass, pressing my lips to his and tangling my fingers in his hair.

"Wow, someone's eager." Edward smiled.

"You have no idea." I growled before attacking him again.

I tore off his shirt and flung it to one side and did the same with his pants before ridding myself of my clothing in much the same way.

"I don't know what we're going to wear home but I'm liking what you've got on now." He eyed my navy blue lingerie set for a moment before grabbing my waist and throwing me to the ground next to him and climbing ontop.

_Hmmm, I seem to be right. He just needs a nudge in the right direction. _I smiled seductively up at him and pulled us together again. Then it fizzled. He slipped between my thighs, panties to one side and it started. In and out and in and out and in and out.

_For the love of fuck, what happened in the last thirty seconds?_ I thought in a frustrated mental tone. Thank god he couldn't hear me. I decided that even if I had to fuck _myself_ with his cock it was going to be a decent fuck. With a sudden movement I rolled over again and started pounding myself down on him.

"Are you feeling all right, Bella? You're never like this." Edward tried to slow me by placing his hands on my hips to steady the pace.

"I'm fine, just a little frustrated, and I'd really like to mix it up." I winked and took his hands off my legs. Speeding up the rhythm again.

"I don't think it's such a good idea to do this when you're angry." He said sternly, basically telling me to stop.

"Angry sex can be good."

"But I don't want to have just sex, we could have just sex, this is meant to be about love." Edward's eyes softened when he spoke the word 'love'.

"Of course it is." I sighed and gave up, slipping myself off his now wilting cock. Apparantly the only thing keeping him hard was the mushiness of love. Since I'd turned it into 'just sex', the winds were disappating.

"I'm sorry, love. I just can't do this when you are so obviously angry." He reached over and stroked my face for a moment then jumped up.

"I'm not so much angry as in need of a bit of roughness." I said dryly and took his offer to pull me up.

"I can't be rough with you. You're too important to risk hurting." He looked at me lovingly and I tried to mirror the same look.

"What if I weren't me? What if I were some other girl?" I asked with frustration starting to show.

"Then I wouldn't make love to you if you weren't you." he said simply.

"Good, pretend I'm someone else." I nodded.

"You want for me not to make love to you?" He asked with a frown.

"No, Edward. I don't want you to make love to me. I want you to fuck me, simple, hard and fast." I lost my control and walked roughly along the forest floor, crunching everything in my path.

"I can't 'fuck' you, Bella." He said quietly as he followed a few steps behind me. _No, of course you can't._

"I know." I muttered.

"What's happened? You're never like this." He ran a couple of steps and caught up with me.

"Nothing, you're right, I was just angry and it wasn't the right thing to do to ask you for that." I went back to submissive Bella, his Bella.

(Two day's later)

"Hey! Trespassers! What are you doing in—wait, I know that face, could it be? Bella and Edward?"—Emmett ran down the stairs and grabbed me in one of his trademark bear hugs.—"It _is_ Bella and Edward, we thought you'd burnt the house down and were lost forever." He laughed and hugged Edward with the hyper masculine patting on the back, getting harder and harder till they pulled apart.

"And you still hadn't come to see if it were true?" I smiled.

"Nah, nothing we could do if it had happened already. Besides, Ness still drops in sometimes. _She_ didn't forget our address. It's right in front of yours in case you forgot," He pointed into the forest in the general direction of our cottage then back at the living room floor. "Not that far." He shook his head disappointedly.

"So it's true. You're alive yet you haven't been here to see us." Alice stood at the top of the stairs with her little arms folded.

"Sorry, Alice. Time sort of got away from us." Edward apologised.

"Well I'm too busy to talk to _you_ now. And I'm highly offended and hurt." She turned around and walked back down the hall then spun around, raced down the stairs, and grabbed both Edward and I around our necks as she dangled unevenly between our very different heights.

"If this is you being spiteful, I'd hate to see gracious." I laughed and hugged her back.

"You know I can never stay mad at you, Bella." Alice giggled then gave Edward a fleeting hug as a plan unhatched itself in her head. She grabbed my arm and dragged me behind her to her room.

"Oh, no no no! NO! Not this time!" I wailed and pulled back when I saw all the necessary items for 'Bella Barbie' spread out on her bed.

"Yes yes yes, yes this time." Alice giggled and suddenly the door shut behind me. I spun around to find Rosalie and Renesmee standing against the wall behind where the door had been with various torture devices in hand.

"Noooo—" I got cut off as I was pushed down by Alice into a wheely chair and strapped there.

:-:-:-:

"I look like a childrens entertainer." I grumbled. Nessie picked up the talcum powder and opened it then squeezed a big puff right onto my face.

"Now you look like a crack addict. Better?" She giggled and spun me around to face Alice and Rosalie on the bed. Alice almost had a heart attack and Rose curled over laughing.

"Nessie!" Alice gasped. "That took ages with her wiggling!"

"Knock knock, put down the lipstick and pick up the pillows. I'm coming in." Emmett's voice came from the other side of the door then he opened it warily.

"Emmett, unless you've grown a uterus, you're not welcome in here." Rose told him, making Nessie laugh.

"I'm here to rescue the one with a coke problem." He motioned to me and waved me forward.

"Fine, take her, she's no fun anyway." Alice pouted as I scurried out of the chair and over to the door.

"Thank you!" I smiled gratefully at Emmett as he walked down the hall with me. "Did Edward finally hear my mental screams for help?" I laughed.

"Um, no, he and Esme went back to the cottage to get measurements for the you-know-what for you-know-who." Emmett refered to the ensuite and extension of Nessie's wardrobe we were planning.

"Ah, I see." I nodded and walked into the linen closet, returning a moment later with a face cloth now partially covered in cosmetics.

"Bells," Emmett laughed. "That's a _lot_ worse."

"Shut up," I laughed and whipped the cloth at him then walked into the bathroom and saw what he meant. It was a lot worse. "Hmmm." I hummed indignantly and wet the terry towel square.

"Aww, poor Bella." He teased.

"Ew, this tastes like oil," I wiped a clean corner along my tongue to get the talcum powder I'd accidentally licked off my lip off my tongue. "Can you get me another fac—" I spun around to ask him to retrieve a clean towel when Emmett darted forward and pressed his lips to mine.

He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth and licked along it then pulled back and nodded.

"It does taste like oil." He agreed then smiled at me devilishly.

"Yeah." I whispered. I looked up at his moist lips, a little powder on the corner of his mouth. The pink curves seemed to call to me, so I answered, I put my hands on either side of his face and pulled him back down, crushing our lips back together. Our lips parted and tasted the sweet favor of his mouth as our tongues moved around, dancing elegantly in a sensuous ballet. I sucked his lip into my mouth as he had mine and stifled the urge to press him against the wall and have my wicked way with him.

We broke apart but didn't step away. I opened my eyes at the same time he did his, pools of darkened topaz looked back at me with lust.

"Definately oil." I agreed.

"Yep." He nodded.

I turned back to the mirror and started wiping the stuff off my face again.

"Can you get me a clean cloth?" I asked.

"Sure," He nodded and went back down the hall.

_Holy shit_. I stared at my own expression in the mirror. She looked, happy.

"Here you go, Bells." He tossed me the towel.

"Thanks." I finished wiping the eye cream that would never sink into my granite skin off. I walked over to the door and wiped the bit of powder still in the corner of his mouth off then tossed the towel in the laundry hamper.

"Thanks for rescuing me, Emmett." I smiled and walked into the lounge room where Jasper was sitting with 'I know' scribbled all over him, especially in the shit-eating grin he was wearing.

"Hey Bella, how are you?" He grinned.

"Never better, Jazz. Never better." I smiled.

"All right! Let the games begin." Emmett announced loudly as came down the stairs to the living room stairs and picked up his Xbox 360 controller off the couch. He glanced at Jasper who just smirked and shook his head but didn't say anything as he took a seat on the couch.

"So what are you two playing?" I asked and sat on the bean bag on the floor.

"Madden NFL." Jasper replied. I noticed just how different he was at home when he let the southern accent through, _happier_ even, when he didn't have to concentrate on his dialect.

"Madden _10_, dude. 10!" Emmett corrected and hit start.

"Like it matters." Jasper scoffed playfully as the game started.

_Yeah, let the games begin._ I looked beside me at Emmett, he looked concentrated but I would swear on anything he winked at me.


	3. Chapter 3 Reminiscing

Chapter Three - Reminiscing

I looked out the living room window of the cottage as the rain fell through the canopy of the trees and splashed into the puddles everywhere.

There was a wet noise behind me and I turned around to find Nessie had crawled ontop of Jake and was now very actively making out with him.

Thus my fantasy problem.

I smiled at the difference between them and us then looked back out the window.

It would only be a matter of moments till Edward came down stairs and cleared his throat loudly to stop their actions.

"Ahem." Edward's voice came from the doorway. _Right on cue. Let them have some fun!_

"What do you know, a whole seven seconds." Nessie complained.

"It's inappropriate." Edward disapproved of their groping and didn't hesitate to voice that fact.

"We don't all want to get married." Jake stated, frustration evident.

"Listen to your father." I murmured and rolled my eyes before I spun around and walked into the middle of the room.

"Mom, you don't care half as much as he does." Nessie frowned.

"You should respect peoples comfort levels." I said a typical parent line. I wouldn't care if they climbed the Chrysler Building and made out on the top of the point.

"Whatever." She clenched her jaw and looked between us to the TV. I guess it's not just _our_ sex life Edward wants to be monotonous.

I wonder if they do have a _sex_ life, there's been no uproar from Edward so I'm guessing not. Or they're just good at hiding it. _Eh, half their luck_.

"Say Jake, have you seen my new wardrobe and bathroom?" Nessie looked at Jake with a very fake questioning expression.

"No, I haven't actually." He smiled as he spoke but managed to pull it straight once he stopped talking.

"You haven't? Oh my, well come see now." She stood up and took Jake's hand and lead him down the hall and into her room.

Edward groaned and shook his head at the sound of tile cracking and Jacob wincing came from the bathroom.

I remembered the day about a week ago when we'd tiled it while Renesmee was out with Leah—whom surprisingly enough liked Nessie now—at a movie. Emmett, Jasper and Esme came over with what must have been five thousand 2x2in tiles.

I sat on the couch and pretended to be watching _Friends _as the happenings of the day replayed in my head.

_"Make way for glazed tiles!" Esme walked in with an excited spring in her step as Jasper and Emmett followed holding a long box between them. Both would have been able to handle it alone but it was an odd octagon shape that looked very awkward to carry._

_"Who ever it was that thought of any shape other than square is an idiot!" Emmett complained as he walked down the hallway awkwardly._

_"I second that motion." Jasper nodded and turned into the newly added doorway to the ensuite._

_"I'll third it for you," I laughed. "Motion carried!"_

_"Well come on Bella!" Esme came out of the bathroom-in-progress and bounced a little while she waved me forward. "Don't you want to see?"_

_"All right, all right," I smiled and ran forward as fast as I could. "Did I get here quick enough?"_

_"No, you should have already been here." She shook her head with a happy smile on her face. "Look, look, look!" Jasper pulled the top off the crate and in there was thousands of bone and pink swirl design tiles. Nessie couldn't be more girly unless she ditched the jeans in favor of skirts. She'll love the tiles._

_"Wow." I smiled as Emmett and Jasper threw-literally threw-globs of tile grout on the floor. _

_"I know!" She went over and picked one up._

_"And to think it's a natural occurence." Esme marvelled over the tiles as Emmett and Jasper took to throwing grout on each other. "Boys." She warned without looking behind herself._

_"Sorry."_

_"Sorry." _

_They both apologised out of synchronization. Jasper threw the glob he had in his hand and flicked Emmett's return fired back at him. _

_"Jasper, Emmett, quit it!" Esme turned around and gave them a warning look. They got a verbal, a visual then a flick on the ear._

_"Sor-ry Es-me." They said together like school children._

_"If you won't be civilised I'll call Rosalie and Alice here to do it and you know what'll happen if they have to get dirty and you two'll be to blame." She threatened. _

_They both looked at each other then dropped to the floor and started smearing out the grey mush across the concrete foundation of the new room._

_"You see, Bella. All men will protect their...breakables." Esme smiled and walked back into Nessie's bedroom._

_I watched them work for the better part of the next two hours. Unfortunately for them, tiling wasn't something that could happen at vampire speed. Vampire speed often gave way to vampire strength and vampire strength and tiles wasn't a good idea. That and the fact they had to keep stopping to shape tiles around things. Only the walls were straight in the bathroom, the shower was curved, the bath was curved-all toilets are curved-the vanity was curved, they had to tile around all the bends. _

_"So what do you think? Will the little monster like it?" Emmett washed his hands in the shower of all places after he finished the last corner. They'd split the room in half, since Emmett kept snapping the tiles just because he was him and naturally too strong for such a task, Jasper had finished first._

_"She's not a monster. You know, I still can't believe Jake named her after the Lochness Monster." I growled under my breath._

_"She's just as rare and do you really think we're going to call her _'Renesmee'_ for the rest of her life?" He mocked me then tip toed over to the doorway._

_"Yes, I did. It's her name." I muttered angrily._

_"Even you call her Nessie, Bells." He reminded me._

_"Only because she responds to it." I grumbled._

_"Don't pout, Bells." Emmett shook his head. I rolled my eyes and let my face fall into an emotionless mask. "That's worse."_

_"Whatever, so lets see if I can find a mistake." I walked into the bathroom and looked around for an uneven tile or a jagged break._

_"Up to par?" He asked with a smirk._

_"Hmmm. I have to say, good work." I nodded, unable to spot any imperfections._

_"All right, well let me point out a few features of the, ah, ensuite." Emmett smirked and started pointing at the sink. "Here we have a sink. Complete with motion sensor water activator, ice blue water light and a twist plug drain." He waved his hand in front of the black sensor in the sink, the light flicked on at the same time the water came out making it look light blue rather than clear._

_"That's different." I nodded._

_"It's girly." Emmett shrugged. "Here we have the more traditional toilet, two types of flushes and blue water that I'm under strict instructions not to play in." He laughed to himself as we gazed into the toilet bowl._

_"This is a _fascinating_ tour." I chided._

_"It's the aspects of the bathroom the users never see. You might recognise this piece of bathroom equiptment for it is the reason behind the name. A bath!" He waved his hands at the classic, deep claw foot bath._

_"I've never seen one so close before!" I mocked his enthusiasm and pretended to fear the tub._

_"Careful, Bells! The drain could suck you in and you'll be lost forever!" He grabbed my arm and pulled me back a few steps. "Phew! That was close! Best move on to something a little safer."_

_I rolled my eyes as he lead me over to the shower cubical._

_"Here is the final piece of bathroom necessities, the shower." He grinned and opened the door to show me the shower behind the frosted glass._

_"Lovely. It's all very good." I voiced my approval._

_"And you see, it's big enough that she doesn't have to stand against the wall." Emmett got in the cubical and spun around. "She could even wash the dog too if she wanted." He whispered deviously and suddenly pulled me in too. The door swung shut and snapped into the magnet as he held me to his chest._

_"See, lots of room." He whispered, one hand on the small of my back and the other between my shoulder blades. I nodded dumbly and inhaled his heady male scent, woodsy and intoxicating._

_"Bella." He whispered and smiled at me. _

_"Yeah." I looked up into the familiar darkening eyes._

_"I want to kiss you." His smile got bigger and his eyes went dark brown, probably the same shade as mine. My breathing hitched and I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth. 'This is wrong. But why does it feel so good?' I opened my mouth a little but lost the words so I nodded instead. His smile softens from excited to happy as he bent down and reunited our lips again. I could actually _remember_ what is was like to kiss him, the taste, the feel, the way he tilted his head to the left rather than the right._

_"Emmett, you _have_ to be finished by now!" Jasper's footsteps started coming down the hallway. I twisted my head to the side and broke the kiss then stepped back out of the shower and went over to the door as Jasper came into Nessie's bedroom._

_"I am done, no need to get your panties in a twist." Emmett scoffed and followed me out of the bathroom. "And Bella approved it's standard of perfection." He added smugly._

_"Good. Now we can go get the wall tiles, oh the joy." Jasper grinned and started walking back out. _

_"I'll be baark!" Emmett made an impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger and walked past me, pinching my arse on the way past making me gasp and him laugh._

I snorted a laugh at the memory of his face and looked into the kitchen where Edward was now doing the jig-saw he'd started this morning.

"What's got you laughing, love?" He smiled.

"Just this episode. They're playing football, it's pretty funny." I gestured to the TV "_...like the turkey, Ross is done!" _Monica chanted. I forced another laugh at the episode I'd seen too many times to still find it funny.

There were quite a lot of things I didn't find funny after seeing them repetitively. Like Edward's stupid, mushy 'love' smile.


	4. Chapter 4 Up Goes The Mistle Toe

Chapter Four - Up Goes The Mistle Toe

"Yet another Christmas. I hope it's better than last year." Alice danced around the Christmas tree in the middle of the living room. She was tossing tinsel around, randomly placing bells, the odd bauble... it was all very, Alice.

"It was _not_ that bad, Alice." Nessie giggled and pinned twisted streamers to the middle of the roof as she stood unwaveringly on Emmett's shoulders as he did a traditional Irish dance. Why? Because he's a fool, a fool I want to do depraved things to all in the name of my libido.

"Not that bad? Not that bad! Are you insane? The tree fell ontop of you, Emmett ran through the window trying to help you, the lights started a fire and all the presents on the left hand side of the tree were lost!" Alice pegged a silver bow into the tree angrily and put her hands on her hips.

"It was _not_ that bad. It could have been a lot worse. The tree could have split in two-tearing all the decorations- I could have been hurt, we could have lost everything and Emmett could have stood on me in his rampage through the window. It could have been worse." Nessie jumped down off Emmett's shoulders and mimicked Alice's position. She did have a point, it could have been worse.

"Hmmgggg." Alice hum/growled and pulled her face into a tight lipped glare. Emmett took this as his cue to leave and disappeared up the stairs without another word. I felt my face fall a bit as he left.

"Love you, Aunt Ali." Renesmee tilted her head to the side and smiled. Alice huffed, rolled her eyes and nodded.

"Yeah, I love you too. PITA." She replied.

"I am not!" Ness gasped.

"Are too, but I still love you. PITA." Alice smiled and turned away.

"Am not!" Nessie followed her around the tree.

"Are too. Pain In The Arse." Alice grinned at me as she rounded the tree with Nessie coming after her.

"AM NOT!" She growled.

"Are-too-no-returns! HA!" Alice squealed and poked Nessie in the chest.

Nessie turned light pink as she glared then did what we all called her _'Rose huff'_ and stormed off up to the kitchen.

"You are so mean to her sometimes." I shook my head, Alice picked up another line of gold tinsel and started wrapping it around the tree.

"It's all just a game, Bella. Now, what do you want for Christmas? I've got a few ideas-all of which you'll love-but what would you actually like without me surprising you?" She tilted her head and adjusted a section of tinsel to the branch above then turned to face me in my position on the couch.

I shrugged and pursed my lips. _I'll never get what I really want, it's already taken._ I pretended to think then shook my head.

"Nothing really, I'm happy with whatever you give me. It's supposed to be a gift not a demand." I replied. Recently all my thoughts had been occupied with thoughts of the two encounters tainting my fidelity. The more I thought about it the more I became obsessed with the idea of a third sordid little affair.

"Bel-laaaa, it's no fun if you don't actually _want_ what I get you. There's only twenty-four days to go, I want to make sure you have a good one. In a hundred years time you don't want to resent Christmas for being a boring time of year that ends in disappointment. Can you give me a leg up?" She grabbed the crystal and gold angel out of the bubble wrapped box and gestured for me to come forward. I stood up and cupped Alice's foot in my hand and lifted her up till she got high enough and put the angel on the top of the tree.

"Ahhh, beautiful." She smiled happily and jumped down.

"Yes." I agreed. "Care to turn on the lights?" I handed her the switch to the powerboard.

"Love to." She grinned and flicked the switch, the tree lit up with thousands of tiny lights over it's nine foot height. Like mini fairies perched on every branch.

"You've out done yourself this year, Alice." Jasper smiled, he came down the stairs and joined us at the foot of the tree, sliding his arm under Alice's and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"I know, I'm a genius. It's a hard, hard life but I manage." Alice joked.

"Modest much?" Renesmee asked as she came down back down to critique the tree.

"Why do you say that? It doesn't make sense. Modest much? Back from school much? Christmas much? HAIRCUT much? You've been saying it for weeks and I still don't understand." I asked with build up frustration overflowing into my tone.

"Angry much?" She teased with a cheeky grin.

"YES!" I growled.

"Hot headed much?" She continued to grin.

"Not usually!" I turned to Alice who was just laughing, making Jasper smile with amusement I'm sure he didn't understand.

"Love your daughter despite her ease at infuriating you... much?" Nessie used one too many 'much's. I spun back to her and tightened my eyes.

"Yes." I hissed under my breath. She bit her bottom lip and ducked behind the tree.

"Confused emotions much, Jasper?" She peeked out the other side.

"Yes." He nodded.

"RIGHT! Enough of this 'muching' crap, I'm over it!" I flitted around the tree and caught Nessie by surprise.

"Eeep." She kept grinning with amusement.

"I'll give you 'eeep'. EMMETT! Renesmee wants to play HALO!" I called towards the games room. A second later the beanbag jostled and Emmett was in front of me.

"Seriously!" He grinned and looked between us. Emmett hadn't played HALO in a year, no one would anymore. Nessie looked whiter than usual and glanced at Emmett in horrification.

"No, not seriously." She shook her head.

"Oh yes, seriously. Take her away, Em." I handed him her wrist and stood back as he bounced towards the stairs with Nessie powerless to pull away.

"No, mom, I'm sorry, I'll stop!" She pleaded and tried to prise his fingers off her arm.

"Sorry. But are you really gonna let him down now? After he's _so_ excited. Be a nice niece, it's Christmas!" I waved her goodbye as they reached the top of the stairs.

"Talk about mean, Bella." Alice chided.

"Eh, she'll live." I shrugged and stepped back from the tree. "You really did an excellent job, Alice."

"Thanks." She smiled again then wiggled out of the grip Jasper had around her. "Next year you can do it. I'm getting older and slightly past my peak."

"You're exactly the way you've been since you were twenty but all right. We'll see how many attempts I get through before you wave me off and take over." I nodded with a smile.

She sighed and nodded too. "You're right, you're not up to the task." She agreed. I should have felt insulted but I didn't, I really don't care for Christmas anymore.

"She's no fun, Bells. She sucks and I don't have the time or will to coach her." Emmett came shuffling down the stairs with an exasperated look.

"I see, because you're working on a clock aren't you. Death around the next corner and all that. Emmett, you're immortal, you have time. Teach the girl to play HALO." I pointed back to the stairs but he just shook his head and pursed his lips as he sat down. _He pursed his lips, hmmmm_.

"Nah. I want to make a nuisance of myself down here. What mischief can I get up to?" He looked around the room then spotted the left over tinsel that didn't go with this years color scheme for the tree. Silver, gold and blue.

"Emmett, no!" Alice flitted over and smacked him on the end of the nose with her tiny hand. Emmett went cross-eyed for a moment then folded his arms and huffed.

"Party Pooper." He grumbled.

"Bad Emmett, very bad." Alice chastised like a kindergarden teacher, she even pointed her finger at him.

"I didn't do anything." He retorted.

"But you were going to." She put her hand on the top of his head and ordered him to "Stay!"

"I'm not a dog."

"Yes you are." She giggled then returned to Jasper.

"When I start going around naked and barking rather than talking you'll have yourself to blame. If you want me to be something just accuse me of it and I'll make the effort. I've been told I'm an idiot since I can remember and now I am. Call me a dog and see what happens." He folded his arms, superiority oozing out for making that analogy all on his own.

"Emmett, you're a wanker." Nessie announced, _shamelessly_ I might add.

"Too late for that one, Ness." Emmett grinned.

"Ew." She groaned and wrinkled her nose. "Too much information, Emmett."

"Not when you asked for that information by bringing up the topic." He smirked, Emmett loved winning. _Maybe that's why he's playing this little game with me._

**Just another thanks to all reader, reviews and alerters (Word or not?)**


	5. Chapter 5 Jingle Bella

Chapter Five - Jingle Bella

"Jin-gle BELLS! jin-gle BELLS! JIN-GLE ALLLLLLLLL THE WAY!" Renesmee and Emmett shrieked at the top of their very diverse voices. Emmett was pounding random keys on the piano and Edward was grinding his teeth almost louder than them.

Alice was applauding through hysterical laughter screaming random encouragements such as "Marvellous!" and "ONE MORE TIME!" While Carlisle had his face buried in the back of Esme's neck so as not to show the world the fact that even he couldn't not laugh at their charade.

"... IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! RENESMETT LIVE ON THE PIANO!" Nessie point at Emmett as he continued to press random keys.

"I thought we agreed on Emmesmee!" he frowned and played a very odd compliation of notes that ended with a scale.

"Too many e's, if it were up to you it would all be e's, we'd be called the e's." Nessie rolled her eyes and crawled off the top of the piano, adjusting her horrible red sequined dress back down over her thighs. It would explain why Jake was standing against the wall instead of in front of the piano, _little pervert._

"I like e's, my name's Emmett and I'm surrounded by Edward's and Esme's and Embry's when he feels like he should grace us with his presence. Jake, tell the douche bag I said get over here, I need some testosterone before I sprout a uterus. And all I get from the rest of you is wimpiness. What with Emo Boy, Dr. Compassionate, Tortured Romance Lover and my niece's bitch, that would be you _Jakey_."

Nessie elbowed him as he stood up and flashed a deathly scary glare over her shoulder. "At least he's _my_ bitch." she muttered then raced across the room and literally jumped into Jake's arms.

"Renesmee, you're in a room with your parent's, grandparents, uncles and aunts, show some control." Edward sighed and walked over to inspect the piano.

"This is control, if I had my way-"

"More control." he sighed even louder and pressed each key from left to right, his mouth pulling into a tight line.

"Dad, I'm not naive and neither is anyone here. Raise your hands if you know where the g-spot is located." Nessie raised her own hand as she spoke and Jake moved her into one arm and raised his own hand. Emmett almost detached his arm with the force he exerted to thrust it up above his head. Slowly everyone raised their hands, even Carlisle, but he didn't look up from Esme's hair.

Everyone, except Edward. He scowled clenched his teeth.

"Maybe I spoke too soon." Nessie whispered to Jake and snorted a laugh.

"I'll show him!" Emmett bounced, loving that Edward's head was about to pop off his shoulders with frustration.

"I'm sure you would." Jake laughed.

"Shut up, bitch boy." Emmett scoffed. "Listen up, when you insert your finger put it against-"

"EMMETT!" Edward growled. _Wow, a Christmas holiday's fight among family. Perhaps we are normal after all._ I folded my arms and watched to see how this would play out.

"Yeeeeeees." Emmett grinned.

"Renesmee." he muttered.

"Well, daddy. It's really quite simple, towards the front of the-" Nessie started to continue Emmett's explanation making him grin even wider.

"No, I mean, Renesmee's all of six." he made a very pointed look at Nessie then back to Emmett.

"Oh, right, well... in the _front bottom_ against the front wall there's a little spot-"

"I know." Edward muttered under his breath.

"OH! Well, why didn't you say so? Let the pre-Christmas festivities continue." Emmett clapped his hands and walked back towards the living room, looping his arm around Rosalie as he walked past and taking her with him, causing the rest of us to hesitantly follow.

Everyone but me, I'm the wife, I get to clean up after the tantrum.

"Am I completely wrong for not wanting that type of talk around my child?" he asked as soon as Jasper stepped out of the room behind Alice.

"No." I shook my head. I sat down beside him on the padded bench and took his hands off the keys. Amazingly none were broken.

"Do you find that all right?" he asked under his breath and closed the dust cover over the keys.

I sighed and shook my head. "I didn't find it _quite _as bad as you," _not by a long shot_. "but we grew up around different things, I do things that shock you sometimes." I reminded him.

"You've never asked people if they're familiar with genitalia." he scoffed. I chuckled and shook my head.

"Not _yet_." I teased. "Are you familiar with the clito-"

"_Bella._" Edward sighed and cupped my face. "Yes, I am. Come on, someone needs to police the topics. I never realized some of the subjects that could come up around Christmas!" he kissed me gently, carefully... _generically_...

I reciprocated with the level of passion he found comfortable, on a chart from chaste to ragingly lust filled, Edward liked sweet.

We pulled apart after a moment of stillness and I stood up and walked into the living room with Edward slightly behind me.

"Well look who finally decided to show!" Emmett said sarcastically, doing an impersonation of Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy.

"Remind me again why we're doing all this?" Edward whispered in my ear, catching my hand with his as we stood behind the couch.

"Alice's seven days of pre-Christmas celebrations. It's _fun_." I smiled encouragingly.

Alice had decided that at any random day for the whole of December she was going to call us all over for a day of Christmas related family activities. This was the second one.

"Lighten up, Edward. My gosh, do you have to be so tense all the time?" Alice sighed, still smiling wildly from our piano segment.

"Yeah, Dad, free like a bird. Come on, flutter with me, flutter till you lift off!" Nessie waved her arms quickly and jumped up and down.

Edward flapped his hands a few times and smiled forcefully.

"Try harder! Come on, flutter and you might just..." Jake suddenly tossed Nessie up into the air, her arms still flapping madly. "Lift off!" she giggled when her head almost touched the ceiling.

"Sounds very thrilling, darling. Would you mind not risking the house though?" he asked.

The words_ party_ and_ pooper_ came to mind.

"Flutter till you lift off, dad. Or remove the stick, which ever sound more appealing to your tastes." Nessie shrugged indifferently and stopped the flapping. "What's next, Alice?"

"Something we all love. Hide and go seek: _vampire style_. MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Alice laughed darkly then gave over to the giggles when everyone else around her started laughing.

"Vampire style?" Jake asked. "Can it be adapted or am I sitting this one out?"

"No no, you're in. We play REALLY loud music the whole time so we can't hear your heartbeats or breathing. But the smell, that's your problem so hide well." Alice reminded almost warningly.

"I've bathed recently." Jake pouted.

"And you still smell like a filthy stray. Might be your shampoo." Rose suggested teasingly.

"Where's the tape recorder, Blondie?" he asked, smirking of course.

We all frowned and Rose rolled her eyes. "Go on, get to the punch line."

"Oh come on, you know, the one that keeps you alive." he sighed mockingly.

"A tape that keeps me alive?" Rose questioned, agitation turning to curiosity now.

"Yeah," Jake nodded. "The one that says "_Breathe in, breath out, breathe in..._" don't tell me, you've learnt to multi-task. Standing and breathing at the same time." he started applauding obnoxiously.

"You're really running out of jokes now aren't you, dog." Rosalie scowled and folded her arms.

"Never." he smirked.

Suddenly the sounds of electric guitars and drums erupted around us as Alice started the music.

"Alice, what on earth..." Edward blocked his ears.

"Collapse by Saosin, you can't hear yourself think can you?" she giggled.

"NO!" Edward shook his head and grimaced.

"Jasper, you're first, everyone else GO!" Alice suddenly ran off upstairs as fast as her little legs would take her. I looked at Jasper who just sighed and dropped to his knees, plunging his face between two couch cushions before waving over his shoulder and mumbling for the rest of us to go.

I turned around just in time to see Edward race upstairs too, no doubt to the attic and as far away from the music as possible. I turned back to see Nessie dragging Jake off somewhere and Esme shrugging and walking off somewhere to hide, leaving Carlisle's humor open for all the world. I'd never seen him smiling so much.

I sighed and raced off to the kitchen, accepting my fate to join this game. I looked at the cupboard under the sink and tried to figure out if I would fit there. _Not likely._

Suddenly I was pulled backwards and into somewhere very dark.

"Ever dreamt of doing it in the dark with a total stranger?" A low voice asked.

I reached back beside the door and flicked on the light. There stood Emmett, currently pinning me against the pantry shelf.

"All right, perhaps not a _total_ stranger." he smiled sheepishly then reached over my hand and flicked the light back off.

He grabbed my wrist before I could let it drop and grabbed the other one at the same time then whipped them both over my head before pressing into me harder. I sucked in a breath and felt myself warming as the moisture started to pool between my legs.

_Fuck, is this really happening?_ I thought but before I could answer myself a pair of desperate lips were upon mine and kissing me with unrestrained need. I tried to pull my hands down but he just held them a little tighter and continued on his mission, probably to make me come from a kiss alone.

"Emmett." I gasped as he broke the kiss and moved both my hands into his left one and his right hand down to my chin.

"Spread your legs." he commanded. My eyes rolled back as his words made me wetter by the second. I didn't comply fast enough so he wedged his big knee between my thighs and pushed my legs apart to his liking.

"Grab the shelf, _don't_, let go." he growled and pushed my fingers back onto the top shelf, waiting till I grabbed it before he dropped to his knees before me. My pussy curled in one itself with want then sat up straight and prepared for company.

"Fuck! I can smell you through your pants." he whispered, keeping his voice below the next deafening song that ripped through the speakers. I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes half way, whimpering as his hand ran up the inside of my thigh slowly.

"Quiet, we don't want them to hear." he leant forward and planted a strong kiss on the inch of my stomach now visible between my shirt and jeans with my arms over my head.

His hand reached my groin and he stroked his finger down the middle seam of my pants, running right along my slit at the same time. I bit my lip hard and groaned in my throat as he stroked back down again right to the part covering my now pulsing entrance.

He stood up and stroked his finger forward again, digging it into the material right over my clit making me moan which he smothered into his mouth with other hard kiss.

"Shhh." he whispered on my lips then kissed me again as he stroked back down the seam once more. "Can you be quiet?"

I nodded instantaneously. _I could be completely silent, not even breathe, if... you stop touching me, dear god don't do that._

"Then try harder." he ordered. I felt him dig his finger into my pants and suddenly he pushed through the four-way join right in the middle of my crotch and poked at my panties through the hole. "I hoped you weren't wearing anything under these." he jerked the waist of my jeans with his left hand.

"What color are they?" he asked and pushed his finger right against my sopping wet entrance through the thin material.

"White." I whispered.

"Ah, the color of innocence. Sorry, but I'm about to destroy your little white panties, and a bit of your innocence." he murmured, his lips against my cheek.

He pushed his finger through the tight cotton and deep into me with calculated precision.

"Ahhhh." I sucked in a sharp breath and clenched my muscles around him. "Fuck!" I breathed out and shivered, clamping my hand down tighter on the shelf, splintering the wood.

"Shhh." he hissed and clamped his left hand over my mouth. The song changed and I heard Nessie squeal somewhere below us. The next song came on and blared over my thoughts again.

When the voice started yelling over the music, the singer screaming out the lyrics, Emmett pushed his finger even harder and further into me.

"Told you I knew where it was." he groaned then rubbed his finger down the pulsing wall and over my g-spot. I tossed my head forward and let out a sigh into his chest. "It wasn't hard, you're so wet, so ready. I want to fuck you right now, but we can't." he thrust his finger into me hard, so fantastically hard a growl rumbled in my chest.

"Why not?" I hissed and sucked in a deep breath.

"There's no time." he murmured then pushed a second finger through the hole to join his first one in the wet folds it was buried in. "Come for me. Now." he ordered then kissed me again.

I felt the coil in my stomach tighten at his words, he thrust his fingers fast into me then curled them forward and gasped my breast at the same time. "Come for me, Bella. NOW!" he growled, pushing even faster till my muscles curled in and I came hard with a gasp, nothing more, just as he wanted.

"So tight." he groaned and slowed the movements right down.

I shuddered as the tremors started to die down and he removed his fingers, putting his hand on my arms and pulling them down from the shelf before he stuck the two fingers in his mouth and sucked my taste off them.

Faint footsteps over the music coming up the stairs. I turned to the mere shadow in the darkness.

"Don't forget to keep your thighs together, everyone doesn't need a flash."

I could tell he was smirking from his tone. _I just got fingered in the dark by a less than stranger... _

The door came open and Jasper's shit-eating grin was the first thing I saw. "Found you, Emmett."

"Well spank my ass and call me Bob, so you did." he agreed and walked out into the light.

"_Sorry, Bells. If I didn't stop you now I'd be pitching a tent._" Jasper barely whispered.

I rolled my eyes and smiled._ Did I mention how much I love this guy?_

He closed the door and walked down the stairs.

"Do you know where Bella is?" Jasper asked, sounding quite convincingly stumped.

"She's a tiny one, fit's in lots of tight places. I'm sure she'll come out eventually." Emmett said, his tone casual and relaxed. "Where are you, _Jingle Bella?_"

I rolled my eyes and clenched my thighs. _Why'd he have to go then?_

:-:-:-:

**The odd piano duo names are pronounced Ren-nez-mett and Em-mez-may.**

**Show me the love - as Alice would say.**


	6. Chapter 6 Family Fun

Chapter Six - Family Fun

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to m-"

We were all gather in front of the fire place, it was like a fucked up Danielle Steel Christmas special. Singing merrily till we were interupted by none other than...

"HER VIRGINITY!" Emmett squealed.

Jake and Nessie just lost it.

Completely!

I actually feared involentary urination for a few minutes.

"Emmett..." Esme sighed. "You do that every year."

"AND IT NEVER GETS OLD!" He laughed manically.

"It does to those's who've known you for the better part of a century." She looked at him disapprovingly.

"I'll tell you what, when no one laughs, I'll call it quits. But,"—He pointed at the writhing and gasping balls of my daughter and bestfriend.—"I still have some members to desensitize to the humor of me so..."

"Emmett." Esme warned.

"Esme." Emmett teased in the same tone with a grin.

"That's one." She held up a finger.

"Out of?" he asked, defiantly grinning.

"Two." She tightened her stare on him to an almost glare.

"And then?" His grin got wider. _So the guy like's punishment_. My thighs clenched on the overstuffed cushion at the thought of _punishing_ Emmett. Over the last two weeks and six Alice's Chrismas Games days I'd let my imagination run away with me. Sometimes it didn't run, sometimes it was slow and... _enough_.

I looked back to Esme in time to see her tap her right knee. "Then... I'm going to sit down and bend my knee..."

"Ah huh!" Emmett's face lit up and Rosalie's turned to a frown of shock and disgust.

"And I'm going to lift up my hand." Esme raised her hand up demonstatively.

"Lift it right on up." He stared with rapt attention, waiting for her next action.

"And I'm going to bring it down hard and smash your Xbox in half." Esme looked at him now, watching in amusement as Emmett's face turned into a shocked expression of horror.

"You _wouldn't_." he challenged.

She glared a little and nodded. "Oh I would."

Emmett suddenly looked up at Alice.

"She would," Alice nodded. "And she will. If anything about _penis gloves_ comes out of your mouth in place of turtle doves."

And with that, Jake and Nessie curled over and screeched with laughter so loud it was a wonder they didn't break their larynx.

"Horrified. Shocked. A little disappointed that_ I_ won't be punished instead of the Xbox. Silently arrogant." Emmett stood up straight again.

"You emotions?" Esme asked.

"Mmm hmm." he nodded.

"Thank you for the verbalization." She smiled then handed Emmett a booklet with the real lyrics written down.

"All right, all together now." Alice smiled and pointed to Edward. He started playing again and watched Emmett carefully.

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree." We all sang.

"Good, Emmett." Esme smiled approvingly and Emmett rolled his eyes.

"On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree."

"Now you're getting there." She smiled once more at Emmett. He looked like he was about to explode and suddenly Edward stopped playing the piano.

"Emmett!" he groaned.

"I'm sorry! It just get's so boring." he complained. Alice was about to go postal, she was _right_ on the edge.

"What was he gonna say?" Nessie asked, smiling in anticipation.

"You will never know." Edward vowed.

"Emmett?" Nessie pleaded.

"Later, squirt." he nodded and winked.

She nodded and smirked. "Later."

"Well seeing as the singing's shot to hell..." Alice wiggled out of Jasper's arms and walked to the middle of the room. "Charade's."

Grumbling erupted from everyone and general groans of disgruntlement followed those.

"Shut it," Alice ordered. "Bella, if you'll please shield us from dear Edward."

I nodded and stretched my shield out over everyone, leaving it curved around Edward instead of including him.

"Testing... testing." Jake looked at Edward and smirked. No doubt thinking something bad.

"Nothing, thank heavens for me." Edward looked at me and smiled, probably relieved to have silence.

"All right!" Alice grinned. She made the sign for movie then held up three fingers.

"Three words." We all chorused then she held up a finger.

"First word." We all nodded and waited for her to get to it.

Alice waved her hand in a long arch in front of her like she was waving hello to someone mentally impared.

"Arch!" I suggested.

"Rainbow!" Jake pointed, Alice shook her head at both of us.

"Semi-circle?" Rosalie asked, not really sounding too interested but at least she was participating.

"CIRCUMCISION!" Emmett cried and bounced up and down. Alice frowned and shook her head then waved it off and held up three fingers.

"Third word." We all nodded.

She put her hands together and opened them out flat.

"Open!"

"Peel back."

"Split in two?"

Alice shook her head and started pinching the air and moving it from right to left.

"Book?" I asked as she kept doing the motion.

She nodded and shook her hand from side to side to say I sort of had it. Next she held her hand like she was holding a pen and started scribbling across her left hand.

"Author?" Edward asked, _hmmm, maybe he likes this game_.

Again Alice did the 'sort of' motion.

"Writer?"

"That's what an author is, Jasper." Nessie rolled her eyes.

"She said it was along those lines, it might have been a different word." Jasper shrugged.

Alice stomped her foot to bring the attention back to her then did the book motion again.

"Novel?"

"Story?"

"Journal?" Edward asked. Alice all but jumped to the roof and waved her hand at him to follow that line.

"Log?" he asked. She rolled her eyes and kept waving her hand.

"Diary?" he asked, a grin forming on his face at her bizarre behaviour.

Alice tapped her nose and fell to the ground, clapping her hands together and looking up to the roof mouthing "_Thank you!_"

"All right, all right. Don't cream your pants." Jake teased as Alice started bowing to Edward.

She sat up looking grossed out and pulled the front of her pants forward, looking down for a moment before shaking her head.

"Ew." Both Rose and I said at the same time.

"Wait, you actually _cream_?" Jake gasped.

Jasper shoved him and rolled his eyes.

"You are so gross, Jacob _Lawrence_ Black." Alice shook her head and stood up.

Every head in the room turned to Jake and Rosalie actually cracked a smile.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Emmett gasped. He looked conflicted for a moment then leant down and hugged Jake tightly, slapping his back a few times, squishing Nessie in the process. "Sorry about all the times I called you a wimp. I didn't know." He clapped Jake on the shoulder then straightened back up and flashed him a regretful look.

"Awww, Jakey, how did I not know that? It's so _cute_," Nessie cooed and pushed his hair back. "My widdle Jakey Wawence Bwack." she smiled and rubbed his chin.

"Baby talk? Really, Ness," he frowned. "All our parents can't be as creative as Bella."

"Nor should they be. Imagine if every kid had a name like _Renesmee_." Emmett looked at me and poked out his tongue, flicking his top lip as he pulled it back in.

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" Alice squealed and put her hands on her hips. "First god damned word!"

"ALRIGHT! PIXIE FURY!" Rose yelled over her.

"BLONDE!" Alice scowled.

"First word. Rainbow, third word, Diary. Rainbow Land Diary!" Rose stared at Alice. Alice stared back. Alice was actually trying to stare down Rosalie.

They stared. And stared. And stared.

"It's not rainbow." Alice hissed through her teeth.

I sunk back a little into the couch and observed with quiet interest. Suddenly, I lost my focus and my shield snapped back.

"Bridge." Edward frowned. "Bridge... Diary."

"Bridget-sodding-Jones' Diary, all right!" Alice threw her hands up in the air then plopped down on the ground looking cranky. "Great, now the day's ruined. Everyone just go and amuse yourselves." she grumbled and waved us off.

"Bella." I looked over to Edward and saw him move his head to the backdoor, indicating that he wanted to leave. "Are you ready to go?"

I nodded and looked over to Jake and Nessie, Emmett was whispering the lyrics to that god aweful dirty version in her ear, both she and Jake were laughing like maniacs. "Are you two coming?" I asked Jake and Nessie.

"Nah, we'll stay here for a little while longer." Nessie said, grinning as Emmett wasn't finished yet.

_Oh, yet another night of sex with Edward...wonder-fucking-ful._


	7. Chapter 7 Stocking Stuffers

**If you're that young that Santa still comes to you at Christmas you shouldn't read this chapter? Why? Because it will ruin your perception of Christmas. In the words of Agent Scully, the truth is out there. The truth is that if a two hundred pound man routinely climbed into peoples houses on the same day every year, the cops would have caught his fat arse and thrown him in prison by now.**

**Listen to _Fever_ by _Cascada_ if you're curious to what I listened to when writing this chapter. If it had those lyrics with the tune of something like _Closer_ by _Nine Inch Nails_ it would be better but it doesn't so, whatever.**

**Chapter Seven - Stocking Stuffers**

"Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house... Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care... In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there..." I read the passage out of the old childrens book to Nessie who was sitting on the couch beside me with a mockingly awed face.

"Wow..." she whispered. "Lame much?" An evil grin spread across her face and my teeth smashed together. No matter how many times I asked, begged, pleaded, ordered, threatened or blackmailed, she still 'much'd everything.

"Go to bed." I shook my head, Nessie giggling to herself.

"With visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head?" she inquired.

"If that's what blows your skirt up." I shrugged.

"Sugar plums don't quite do it for me. Good night, mom." Nessie kissed my cheek and strolled off to bed. "Good night, Daddy." she said, giving Edward a fleeting hug on her way down the hall.

"Sweet dreams." he murmured back to her.

We stayed silent, the only noise was the sound of linen moving from the room at the end of the hall.

"Bella, love, what is this?" Edward asked, pulling his hand out from behind his back. My heart almost started back up, the shock was that great.

"That?" I asked coolly, staring at the object in his hand.

"Yes." He turned it over and held it out in display once again.

"Oh..." I bit my lip, staring up at my husband, currently holding an item he wasn't meant to see.

(:-:One hour earlier:-:)

"NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!" Jake raced around with Alice's Christmas present in his hand. She was hopping after him, leaping for the box Jake was holding over his head. "I MEAN IT, NONE!" Alice yelled, making another leap.

"Shorty, I'm the one holding the box, no presents for _you_." Jake pointed out, stepping to one side then racing around the living room again.

"Mongrel!" Alice snarled, she jumped again and ended up winding her tiny arms around Jake's neck, quite literally climbing him.

"Midget!" Jake laughed. He put the box between his legs then pulled Alice off and tossed her to Jasper who caught her without missing a beat.

"GRRR!" Alice twisted out of Jasper's arms and swiftly leapt back to Jake, knocking him over. In a flash, she had the present and was standing on the back of the couch for some reason. "Go away, Jacob!"

"What is it with all the females I know telling me to _go away_?"

Alice clutched the box, glaring fiercely as she watched Jake stand up again. "Maybe you should listen." she suggested, her voice low and menacing.

"Whatever, I'm out." Jake pulled Nessie into a hug and kissed her quickly, not long enough for Edward to get offended. "Merry Christmas, bloodsuckers." he waved, walking towards the back door.

"What a lovely way to put it, _dog_." Rose spat maliciously.

He stopped in the doorway and shrugged lightly, smirking cheekily at Rosalie. "I said _merry_ didn't I, Beauty Queen?"

She rolled her eyes and dismissed him with a venom filled, "Merry Christmas, fleabag."

Jake tilted his head to the side and grinned. "Naw, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me." His voice was a sickly sweet _coo_.

"Well off you go, to hide in the woods for a few hours till you climb into my nieces bedroom like the love sick puppy you are." Rose said smugly, we all knew, but they didn't know we knew.

And then...

_Dear God..._

Jasper and Emmett broke out into song. "I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing. Watch you smile while you are sleeping. While you're far away and dreaming. I could spend my life, in this sweet surrender—"

"Shut up." Jake growled, his voice much more strained then I think he was aiming for. His ears and cheeks went pink and a moment later he was gone, running by the sounds of it.

"Dumb and Dumber, shut it before I remove it!" Nessie hissed angrily.

"Yeah, leave him alone. I'm sure you two would have been the same if you could've watched your girls sleep." I said, also defending Jake's stalker traits.

"It's no use, love. They used to sing _Every Breath You Take_ by _The Police_ when I used to go to you every night." Edward told me.

"And why does that not shock me?" I sighed, looking at a grinning Jasper and Emmett. _Smart ass's_.

"Running off to sit in a girls room when she doesn't even know you're there? That just _screams_ stage two stalker." Emmett pointed at Edward as he spoke, like he was exhibit A in the case of '_Edward Cullen, Stalker or Not?_'

"Perhaps I am just in love with her." Edward suggested, a rare hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"That would be stage one and two combined. Admiration _and_ obsession." Emmett decided, nodding to himself, obviously pleased with his conclusion.

"Okay, okay, okay, we all know Edward has a few stalker tendancies," Alice interupted, stepping down off the couch now Jacob was a decent distance away. For the past six years she'd been unable to see what we were getting her thanks to Nessie and Jacob being around all the time, presents had become real surprises for her now. So she guarded them like a mother lion does her cubs.

"All presents go under the tree now and then no one is to go within ten feet of it till eight am tomorrow." she declared, putting her present back under the tree.

"I'll go get everyone's presents from us then." I stepped away from Edward to go to the back door.

"Need any help?" An eager voice asked. _Oh Emmett, you'll be the death of me. _One very hard, _hard,_ thing about living with your unlikely clit tease was that it became impossible to get him out of your head.

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, sure. Thanks."

In the few seconds it took us to run the two miles through the forest to the cottage I had about twenty thoughts all at once._ Stupid vampire brain workings_. If something happened would I want it to? How would I bring myself to say no? How would I bring myself to say _yes_? Could I live with the guilt or more importantly would I even _feel_ any guilt? If he doesn't try something would I? Could I do that to Edward? And Rosalie? What if they found out?

Before I could think through another question we were at the front door.

"I assume you stashed them from the little monster?" Emmett questioned, following me down the hall.

"No need, she know's what everything is except for her present," I pushed open the bedroom door and walked over to the closet. _I'm alone, in a house, in a bedroom with Emmett. Oh fuck._ "And before you ask I'm not telling you what your present is." I laughed, digging around in the back corner to pull out all the different sized packages.

"Bella, Bella, Bellla, would I even ask?"

"Yes."

"Yeah, I would. So what is it?" He asked as excited as a child.

I turned around and handed him a few red and gold paper covered presents. When his hand brushed over mine in the middle of the exchange, something happened.

I put myself in his arms instead.

Gifts rained down around us, my legs twisted around his waist as I jumped up and flung my arms around his neck, the kiss was rough and somewhat sloppy but I really hadn't expected anything else. Just like in the pantry Emmett assumed the lead, shoving me back against the floor-to-ceiling wall of draws with such ferocity it actually knocked the air out of my lungs.

"I'm not going to be gentle with you, you know." he whispered. Our foreheads were pressed together while my hands worked on the buttons of his shirt. We couldn't turn up at the house wearing something different without a multitude of questions as to why, so I had to be careful.

"I didn't ask you to, did I?" I pulled the shirt free from the preppy suit pants he was dressed in and slipped it off his shoulders then tossed it clear across the closet.

"Oh, Bella. You've got no idea how hard I'm gonna fuck you,"

Before I could respond his face was buried in my neck, sucking and biting the skin there and on my shoulder. I groaned and my thighs quivered around his waist. In a quick maneuver I had my shirt over my head and tossed somewhere in the general vacinity of the door.

The feel of his muscular body pressed against mine, no clothing in the way, it was _intoxicating_. All indecisiveness was out the window, this was happening, and quickly before we were missed at the house.

I unbuttoned my pants and let myself down—still squished between two walls, Emmett and the draws—to take them off. He did so at the same time, freeing his beast of a cock. I coughed in shock, choking on the air I was rapidly sucking in when it's also muscular form came into view. _Like man, like dick._

"Relax, Bella. You're a nearly indestructable vampire. My cock won't kill you." he smirked. _Now I know why Emmett's so cocky_.

It wasn't that it might kill me, I'd rather die that way, but what's going to happen the next time Edward gets in there and finds I've stretched? Would I stretch or would I just pull myself back together after? _Oh who the fuck cares_.

Caution, hesitation and our clothing were all gone with the wind. I looked up and he must have seen something in my eyes, something that pleased him. He grabbed my body again and lifted me back to my previous—oh so fantastic—position.

"Are you ready for me?" he asked, his voice was now husky and sex crazed. _Could I fuck his voice?_ His hand slipped between us and one of his fingers stroked up and down between the wet folds.

"Yes." I shivered when the tip brushed over my entrance.

"I'm gonna make sure you can't walk when I'm done with you." he promised.

"E-Emmett." I stammered. I bit my lip as the trembling took over, I couldn't breathe, not that I needed to, I certainly couldn't think, anticipation should be a method of torture.

He slid his cock between the lips a couple of times, making me jump each time he rubbed himself over my swollen clit. We both lost the last tenuous bit of patience at the same moment. His hands grabbed my hips and a second later he thrust himself into me in one move.

"Mm-" I lost the ability to make any sound, even the moans couldn't find their way out my throat. My mouth just fell open and a small rush of air came out. Everything in me was being pushed aside, opening to accomodate him. Emmett wasn't so stuck for words, well, words would be a loose term, mostly it was profanities.

He pulled back and slammed into me at a different angle, it was only then that I realized it _wasn't_ all of him the first time.

"Fuuuuck!" I sucked in a sharp breath and flung my head back. The draw crumbled instantly, not that I cared in the slightest.

"Uh, Bella, you're so—" He drove himself into me again, cutting off the vocalizations from both of us with the exception of one very long groan.

Faster, harder, rougher, we kept slamming back together till he couldn't go any harder but I still could have taken more. I clawed at his back while he shoved me up and down the wall roughly, every movement was like one molicule of my body was being stimulated at a time. I could feel _everything_. It was clear how houses got smashed up this way, I could hear the wood creaking behind me, he seemed oblivious to it though and I sure as hell wasn't stopping this for wood.

His fingers were gripping my hips impossibly tightly, sliding me up and down his cock at a pace we both were obviously satisfied with. My muscles clenched tightly around him and he somehow found the strength to go even harder.

"Ugh, I'm gonna, oh, fuck!" My fingers curled into his shoulders and the full weight of my orgasm near crushed me. The tempo became uneven and I could feel him swelling inside me, nearing his own release.

"Ah, fuck! Bella, so... tight..." Emmett panted beside my head. He was the only thing holding me up now, gravity was pulling me down to the floor. Another two relentlessly hard thrusts and he came hard inside me.

"Ohhh, God..." I gasped air in heavily, seemingly unable to catch my breath now.

"I've wanted to fuck you for so long." he admitted quietly.

Our breathing was the loudest sound in the room.

"That was so good."

"I agree." he smiled, chuckling under his breath. "Merry Christmas, Bells."

I laughed too. "Yeah, Merry Christmas, Em."

"Now I've got to go be trailer park trash and wash my dick in the sink." he announced humorously.

I burst out laughing. "Jesus, way to make it sound glamorous."

He shrugged and kissed me quickly then put me back on my still wobbly legs. "Bells, you polish a turd it's still a turd. Have fun washing your pussy over the toilet." He walked out the door towards the bathroom. _Even his butt has dimples, how cute._

"Emmett, you're disgusting." I called after him.

"Yeah. Thanks, Bella. Great sex."

_Great sex indeed._

(:-:Now:-:)

"It's a Christmas themed man-thong." I answered truthfully. _I'm am gonna kill Emmett._

Edward's eyes went wide, darting between me and the red underwear with a picture of Santa's head on the dick pouch. _My early Christmas present _had _been appropriately wrapped._

"Why?" he asked incredulously.

I shrugged, keeping my cool, not having blood made me a much better liar since my cheeks didn't set alight when I did so. "I thought we could mix it up, holiday themed fun." I suggested, giving him my most innocent naughty smile. Best not to overwhelm him.

"You want me to wear this?" he asked hesitantly.

"I'd _like_ you to, you don't have to." I pouted ever so slightly.

"Um... okay."

_Oh my God!_ _Don't get your hopes up_.

"Give me five minutes?" he asked, looking over the garment.

I nodded, smiling wider. "I'll be in, in five." I told him.

The man thong that was up Emmett's arse is now going to be up Edward's. I couldn't help it, I laughed soundlessly, clutching my chest.

Five minutes passed slower than I had thought it would. Images of Edward with Santa on his cock were racing through my mind so I had the time to desensitize myself to the thought before I went in there and witnessed it.

I watched the clock then walked up the hall and opened the door, there was Edward. Man-thong, Santa, looking terribly uncomfortable, but he was making an effort and I'd never been so turned on.

"Oh, Edward." I smiled then lunged at him.

For fifteen of the twenty minutes we fucked like never before, then I let him have his way. Diversity. We'll get there.

And I owe it to Emmett's bizarre Christmas thong, that he _accidentally_ I'm sure, left behind.

* * *

**Next up is the epilogue, but I hope we've all liked it.**


	8. Chapter 8 Epilogue

**Chapter Eight - Epilogue**

_**December 1st 2015 - One year later**_

"I'm, dreaming, of a white, Christmas... Juuuust, like the ones I used to know..." Alice jiggled around the tree holding Sarah against her side.

"ABUSE!" Emmett—of course Emmett, who else would say this?—yelled. "SHAKEN BABY SYNDROME!"

"Uncle Emmett is such a fooly wooly isn't he?" Alice stroked the little girl's silky, black hair and continued to sway around. Nessie and Jake were... sleeping of course. They were always sleeping, actually sleeping, not having sex. I doubt they ever will again. After a slightly rebellious stage where Nessie up and left to live with Jake she wound up pregnant—as we all knew she would—then turned up here one week after the baby was born with her and Jake's stuff saying Billy couldn't stand it any longer.

Sarah definitely did not take after Renesmee. She wasn't unnaturally content, she loved to scream. Loudly.

The one thing we discovered that would never fail to soothe her was Alice. Naturally, Alice was thrilled, Renesmee had practically _belonged_ to Rosalie and now her great-niece screeched the paint off the walls if anyone but she and her parents held her. Nessie and Jake could give her to Alice but if Alice tried to give her back it was no deal.

I had held her twice. Once when Nessie first came home and that lasted for all of three minutes then again for a bit longer while wearing one of Alice's shirts to confuse the scents. But as soon as mine started seeping through Sarah screamed and screamed and screamed some more.

Now she was five months old and looked to be about one maybe one and a half. Walking made her a little less clingy but she still looked at you in horror if you picked her up and weren't you Alice.

"That's right, Alice, just turn her _more_ against me." Emmett whined. Emmett got the worst reaction, when he even got too close Sarah's eyes would go wide and her mouth would open in preparation. "She's a devil child." he muttered.

SMACK!

CRACK!

BANG!

The sounds of Rosalie's, Jasper's and my fists making contact with various parts of Emmett.

"Jesus! I'm only refering to the screeching, not the kid who does it." He rubbed his jaw, where Jasper had connected.

"Say one more thing about her, go on, I _dare_ you." I glared at him murderously.

"She's—"

"You're cruisin' for a bruisin'." Jasper warned, he's watched _Grease_ too much.

"She's relatively cute." He rolled his eyes, speaking in a sarcastic tone.

"Relatively?" Rose asked, we were all leaning over him like three denists all looking at the same man's cavity.

"Well she looks like Jake, do you want me to say she's really cute cause that would be like saying Jake was, which he is not."

"I am very cute." Jake yawned, coming down the stairs. I don't know if he was still half asleep or what was going through his head cause the idiot tried to take Sarah off Alice.

"AUUURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!" The high pitched scream reverberated off the walls and was stopped as suddenly as it had started when Jake practically tossed her back to Alice.

"Moron!" Alice muttered, bouncing Sarah gently to stop further cries.

"Yeah, what a moron I am to try and hold my own kid." Jake stumbled over to the couch and sat down. Now I know he was still half asleep, he sat next to Rosalie.

"Urg, how do you still smell _so_ bad?" Rose moved to the next cushion over.

"That's the smell of underaged parenthood." Alice said matter-of-factly.

"I'm twenty-six." Jacob mumbled, scratching his head.

"Then it's the stench of cradle robbing." she amended.

Jake shrugged, eye's half closed. "She never slept in a cradle, I should know, I was there. Beside's, I love her." He chewed for some reason then did something unthinkable. He leaned to the side to lay down and put his head in Rosalie's lap.

We all froze.

"You stupid mutt! What are you doing?" Rose held her hands up like people down when something foul lands on their laps. Trying to move as much of herself away as possible. But it was futile. Jake was asleep.

Alice watched Sarah at night, that was it. For eight hours she'd play perfect babysitter then it was Jake and Nessie's turn. And by Jake and Nessie's turn I mean, "You take her, she might stop crying." "No, she was crying that's why I gave her to you." "But maybe she wants you now." "She doesn't or she'd be saying momma." "Well she's not saying daddy.".

Now it was six am and Jake was up because Alice had taken her at ten pm. Well, Jake came downstairs, he was now asleep on Rosalie's lap.

"Get. It. Off!" Rose demanded through clenched teeth.

None of us moved.

"Now!" she hissed. "Bella, if you want your BFFF to live, move it."

"FFF?" I questioned, caving in, I walked over and grabbed Jake's shoulders, flipping him upright again.

"Best Fucking Fleabag Friend. The extra F is for fleabag." She jumped up off the couch and literally started undressing right there. She pulled off her pants as all of us watched in shock, unable to even point out the fact that Sarah was in the room.

She then pulled off her jacket and tossed both the items over to the back door and marched up stairs looking royally pissed. Hard to do in a shirt and panties.

"Don't even _consider _it, Emmett. I'll be scrubbing for the better part of the morning." she said angrily on her way up. And with that she disappeared into her room and the shower started moments later.

"Well. Now you know what Aunty Rose looks like without pants on." Alice said with a small nervous smile on her face as she bounced Sarah. She just giggled, Alice could tell her anything and she'd just smile. "Are you going to be my good girl and not cry when I give you to daddy?"

"Noooo." she shook her little head slowly, smiling cheekily.

"But you love daddy."

She thought about it for a second then shrugged, it was so strange to watch, she was too young to shrug. "So?"

"Just have a nap with him, look,"—she pointed at Jake—"he's all tired. I bet he wants a hug."

Alice wasn't trying to steal Sarah, just keep her happy, she always did try and get her to willingly go with her parents.

She sighed and looked at her father like what Alice was proposing would require great personal sacrifice then nodded. "_'kay._" she said, pursing her little lips.

I snorted a laugh and watched as she somewhat begrudgingly crawled out of Alice's arms and walked over to the couch, agiley climbing up and onto Jake's chest. She shot Alice a, '_Happy now?_' look before laying down. Jake opened his eyes and looked down in shock, scanning the room for an explanation. We all mouthed, "Close your eyes!" to him before she looked up and saw that daddy wasn't in fact sleeping and wanted Alice back.

He got the message and shut his eyes, lazily putting his hand on her back like he did it in his sleep. We all tiptoed off like bank robbers, Alice practically choking Jasper as she dragged him upstairs by the shirt collar.

And there we were. Alone again in the piano room. Rosalie would be preoccupied for the next four hours getting Jake's stink off and Edward was with Esme and Carlisle, desperately building another cottage so Jake and Nessie could be there instead of the house when it was their time with Sarah. It was like a roster, sixteen on, eight off.

Emmett popped up behind me, his face beside mine with his breath sweeping over my neck. We'd stopped touching each other like this after New Years, enough was enough. But now, here he was, hand sliding up the outside of my arm. "Bella." he whispered into my neck.

I turned my head slightly towards him to show I was listening.

"Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month." He lightly pinched then jabbed my arm. His left hand snaked around my body, pulling me back right against him for a moment then he spun me around and pressed us tightly together, body to body. "I want to kiss you." he mouthed silently to me.

I bit my lip, smiling, and nodded then leant up to him. _Looks like another interesting Christmas._


	9. Chapter 9 Author Note

**_The Confusion Can Stop_**

The confusion over the ending can stop. There's a sequel, always has been, and it will be posted in seven days. It's titled _Satisfied? Almost _so be on the look out or author alert.


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